I sat in a meditation just before going to sleep.

I was furious.

I don’t remember the last time I felt so much anger. I was angry at the thoughts in my head. I don’t swear, but I was swearing like crazy in my mind at my thoughts.

“How long will I carry this shit in my head?!”

I felt so much tightness in my throat. I tried to be present with this suffocating feeling, while my attention kept jumping back and forth between my thoughts and my throat.

“How long will I keep f*ing destroying myself?!”

The pain moved from the throat to the heart area. It felt as if someone was squeezing me there so much, I struggled to straighten my spine.

“When will I finally let the bigness of my being come out through me into my life?!”

The pressure and heaviness kept moving from my heart to throat.

I felt the energy buzzing in me and kept being present with the pain I felt. I knew those two centres of the heart and throat wanted to communicate with each other, and my job was just to stay present with them so that new circuits could build between them. The ability to speak my truth in integrity, the ability to manifest, was birthing in me by the fuelling power of love.

“It hurts so much…” I had a little cry.

Then I remembered all the times when I was focused and 100% sure of the direction I was going.
When I knew I would have a free birth with my third child at home.
When I knew my kids wouldn’t go to school.
When I knew selling the house and going on a travel adventure was the right choice.

“Why do I still sometimes lack trust that my skin will heal again?”
“Where is this feeling of strength?? Where is it?????!!!!”

Now I just felt the pain in my chest. It was enormous. I kept focusing my attention there.

After some time, the pain started to ease. I was able to take slow, deep belly breaths.
The pain began to melt.

And suddenly I found myself deeply in…

 

PEACE

 

“This is your strength, Marianna,” – I heard the gentle voice.

And I burst into tears.

This peace was profound. It was so huge, stable, and… strong. It felt as if I could move mountains with it.

My mind was shocked. It was looking for some sort of power of lightning that would keep me going and keep me focused, yet it discovered stillness that is ever so gentle yet at the same time extremely robust, committed, and grounded.

I started breathing with this deeply loving stillness and allowing it to fill my body — especially the heart and throat area. It felt as if it engulfed all the drama of the mind.

After some time, I slowly opened my eyes, got up, and went to bed.

In the morning, the first thing I did was check if I could still connect to that feeling.
I did, straight away.

Now, whenever I start having thoughts that want to judge me, I quickly pay attention to the nesting area of my belly — into that profound feeling of peace.
And I rest there.

At the moment, it feels like a cherry on top of the devotion to the remembering path I have chosen to help my skin come back to harmony.

I love pausing in the feeling of stillness — and it was all that I was longing for.
It is my nourishing medicine.

I knew all along that rosacea is just a symptom of something much deeper, and I wanted to discover it.

My life on the outside has not changed,
but on the inside, I feel freedom and trust.

I reconnected with the piece that had been longing to be seen and activated. It had been waiting for me patiently, hidden beneath all the turmoil of the mind.
I love feeling it.

 

*

 

Mind: I love feeling you, Stilness. Thank you for showing me how to live from a loving place — how to soften and enjoy life more deeply.

Stilness: Thank you, Mind, for finally seeing me and grounding yourself in me. Welcome back.